Breaking: Biden Declares National Emergency

The United States is officially under a state of “national emergency.” No, His Wisdom didn’t suddenly wake up to the consequences of his wide-open border policy, we have a real crisis on our hands, he insists. Russia! Imperial Leader Joe Biden issued another of his infamous Palace Decrees.

We have an emergency

Under the sole authority of Joe Biden’s signature on Thursday, the Imperial Palace dialed 911 to report an emergency. The Russians are such an imminent threat that we must slap them silly with sanctions.

After all, Vladimir Putin is a killer. To send a clear message to the Kremlin, Secretary of State Antony Blinken kicked out a bunch of Russian diplomats. The State Department officially announced they’re “expelling 10 officials from Russia’s bilateral mission.” Like now.


We face a serious emergency, the palace declares, because of all the hot button liberal issues which Donald Trump refused to take action on, claiming they were nothing but Democrat illusion.

“Today, we announced actions to hold the Russian Government to account for the SolarWinds intrusion, reports of bounties on U.S. soldiers in Afghanistan, and attempts to interfere in the 2020 U.S. elections.”


His Wisdom also issued direct orders to Congress in the form of a letter, notifying them he had personally declared “a national emergency with respect to the unusual and extraordinary threat to the national security, foreign policy, and economy of the United States posed by specified harmful foreign activities of the Government of the Russian Federation.”

He expects them to go along with his program.

Unusual and extraordinary threat

Russia, His Wisdom dictated to a palace secretary, had “aimed to ‘undermine the conduct of free and fair democratic elections,’ engaged in ‘malicious cyber-enabled activities,’ targeted journalists and dissenters outside of its borders, and violated international law.”

It’s totally an emergency. Conservatives wonder what “free and fair” election Biden is talking about, because it certainly wasn’t the heavily rigged one that was held in America last year.

The way Russia helped Donald Trump dig up incriminating evidence against Hunter Biden is simply unacceptable. To Quid Pro Joe, that’s an emergency. He called it “an unusual and extraordinary threat to the national security, foreign policy, and economy of the United States.”

Those pesky Russians simply must be stopped. Minister of State Blinken agrees. He’s also worried about Putin’s political adversary Alexei Navalny. “We remain concerned about Navalny’s health and treatment in prison, and call for his unconditional release.”


The Kremlin is laughing so hard they can’t stop. “Go ahead,” they insist, barely refraining from adding, “you little weasel.” They “condemn any pursuit of sanctions, we consider them illegal.” Not only that, so what? “In any case, the principle of reciprocity in this matter is valid. reciprocity in a way that best serves our interests.”

You declare yours, we’ll declare ours. We’ll see who’s are more painful in the long run. The real emergency might be what the Kremlin is up to in the Arctic Circle. The cold war is getting extra frosty these days. “We’re monitoring very closely. Nobody wants to see the Arctic as a region become militarized,” Defense Department press secretary John Kirby confirms.

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