Breaking: State of Emergency Announced

Panic stricken residents of Florida are hoarding so much gasoline that it prompted a state of emergency. Speaking from Jacksonville on Tuesday, Governor Ron DeSantis assured residents that there is no reason for panic, just because the pipeline that supplies about half the gas for the entire East Coast was crippled by hackers. We have options, he insists.

Panic buying prompts emergency

Just like the great toilet paper shortage of 2020, the only reason that gasoline is in such short supply in Florida right now is because panic stricken people are buying up as much as they can and hording it. That’s a good way to burn your house down too.

Officials are urging everyone not to try putting gasoline in plastic bags. The emergency will soon be over if everyone stays calm and cooperates.

The AAA auto club also points out that Floridians are panic buying for no reason because their gas doesn’t even come from that pipeline, they get theirs “through seaports from Gulf Coast refineries.” The Colonial Pipeline was hit by a ransomware attack that shut the pipeline down entirely, knocking off around 45 percent of the supply to East Coast states.

According to Governor DeSantis, as part of the emergency measures, they’re “relaxing restrictions in terms of the weight in order to get more fuel trucks into the parts of Florida that need more fuel. But ultimately we really do need the federal government to step up and help. We don’t want to see these long gas lines persist throughout the northern part of our state.”

Not only does the declaration set the stage for National Guard deployment if necessary, the important thing is that the declaration of emergency makes it illegal to price gouge. Charging “unconscionable prices for essential goods and services” will get you charged with a crime too.


All across the Southeast, “thousands” of gas stations are dry. “primarily because of panic-buying.” Agriculture Commissioner Nikki Fried is asking nicely. “Floridians: don’t panic-buy gas, don’t hoard gas, and don’t form long lines at gas stations during the #GasShortage.”

Attack from the Dark Side

If you live in Florida, there are a few “kinks” in the system. Your local dealer will tell you he can set you straight, there’s a little gas going but you have to wait. He can get you some “red hot speed and some really high grade hash,” but “a gallon of gas can’t be purchased anywhere for any amount of cash.”

Of course, Russians are behind this latest attack emergency. A group of Russian newbies called “Dark Side” left their digital fingerprints all over the cyber-crime.

The pipeline could resume production as early as Wednesday and some of the smaller arteries are still flowing. “Things will be back to normal soon, (and) we’re asking people not to hoard. We’re all over this,” U.S. Energy Secretary Pete Buttigieg assures. Palace Spokesunit Jennifer Granholm urged calm until the emergency is resolved.

His Wisdom Joe Biden ordered federal agencies to respond and “urged consumers to remain calm and only buy what they need, assuring the public the pipeline will be back and running at full capacity soon.”

Even if the pipeline is still crippled beyond Wednesday, there are other ways to get the gas flowing. Officials “are considering moving supply by train or ship if necessary. Additionally, the U.S. Environmental Protection Agency has issued temporary fuel transportation waivers to increase the supply of gasoline.”

They’re “working around the clock with our federal, state, local and industry partners to respond to the Colonial Pipeline cybersecurity incident” and end the emergency, Deputy Energy Minister Dave Turk reports.

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